So I was in my 17th year. I started doing these awareness exercises, somewhat intuitively, somewhat based on some of the books I'd been reading. I would engage myself in the sounds of the air conditioner, the constant hum from the outdoor traffic. I would meditate on these and let the chatter in my mind cruise by, not bothering to get caught up in it. I'd also look at objects and try to "see" the object as it was - not as the interpretation that I would typically relate to it as, but it, the object in all its "isness." I was experiencing great stillness and great presence during these times.
This went on for some months where I'd participate in such activities during and after school when my attention wasn't needed elsewhere.
I was reading good books to feed my spiritually introspective passions: Zen Mind Beginner's Mind, The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge. I was also reading a book and doing the visualization exercises in, Higher Creativity: Liberating the Unconscious for Breakthrough Insights. As per the book, I would visualize myself in unity with the world, non-separate. I'd focus on and imagine the liberated feelings that would accompany such an idea. I did the prescribed exercises for many months.
It was one day during the week and after school. I was home in my room doing the higher creativity exercises. I'm not sure if there was a particular intention that I was holding to fully realize myself but I recall focusing on my stomach and suddenly there was this energy there and I seemingly brought it up to my chest where it then exploded outwards. There was complete love and light that filled me and the room. I stood up, amazed-the nut had been cracked-I was exquisitely experiencing this heart-opening.
Insights began to emerge about the nature of the self and the false self. The inner chatter of my mind quieted down-peace and quiet like I had never known it to be existed. In another instance I felt my identity -everything that I had known myself to be for the past 17 years-to simply collapse like a house of cards in front of my eyes. But I wasn't left with nothing-and there was no fear-there was simply standing in the reality of being totally present in the eternal present moment-in the quiet and everything that was happening in and around and of me. Life was living.
The cosmic ineffable plugged-in experience lasted a day-a few days-I'm not totally sure.
I came crashing down hard. My identity returned. But so much had been seen and tasted and known. The identity of me returned in a hugely different way. Life seemingly became so much harder. I had different understanding and values. I needed to assimilate the experiences. I needed to attend to every day life-I didn't want to. It took my about 15 years to get some significant grounding - and that was grounding in a completely new way because I had seemingly become a person that I had never known. My chemistry must have changed in the experience. I no longer learned the same way. My memory was trash. Of course, having seen through the mirage of all conditioning I completely mistrusted everyone's pursuits and understandings. Making it harder, I didn't trust the "me" that had returned because I assumed (had seemingly witnessed) all identities were figments, creations based of the inner dialogue and conditioning. But the grace that had provided me those insights was no where to be found. I was left with an incredible hangover. I was seemingly alone to put Humpty Dumpty back together.
I am thankful for all the folks who have and continue to support me on my journey of integration. And... I share my experience to let others know - others who have had experiences and are looking for integration- that they too are not alone.
And for those who are coming along who are yearning for experience, let them learn from our mistakes and successes. And, let them know that this stuff is real. Higher consciousness does exist and is here for you to participate in fully-it's your right just as it is mine.
And so I invite you to share your own wants, desires, experiences - good and bad-and everything in between relating to higher consciousness, peak experiences and integration.
Peace
Daniel
